I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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