is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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