girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
