how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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