My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
