He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
