In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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