1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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