I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
