I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize