in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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