you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
