Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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