happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
