Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
