im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
