I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
