Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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