her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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