gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
