I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
