Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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