I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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