im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
