do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
