when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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