I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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