Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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