mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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