I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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