goodnight i made you a song goodbye
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
