Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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