You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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