This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
