fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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