Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just invented taco cereal.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
