I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
