If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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