peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
