All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
