roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
