Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
