Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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