i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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