I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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