you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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