She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
