How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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