I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
