I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
