i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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