I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
