I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
