that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize