I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
