I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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