either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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