UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
