I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
