I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize