Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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