We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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