True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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