2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
