They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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