I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
