I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
