you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
